April Fool's Joke

Since 2002, every year AutoZine posts a joke on the 1st of April. Here is a collection of the past jokes. Enjoy !

Tesla Model S updated to end pee anxiety

Tesla is working on a major upgrade to the software of Model S with the aim to end pee anxiety. With a range of almost 300 miles, the present Model S is unlikely to run out of juice no matter how it is driven. However, its actual driving range is more likely to be limited by the physical limitation of human body. According to the latest study conducted by the company, drivers stop their Model S 2.5 times in average between charges to find toilets. This causes an extra 12 miles of travel and 18 minutes of delay, seriously downgrading the efficiency of energy and time management. As the Model S will have its mileage range extended even further in the coming years, the loss of efficiency is projected to increase further. To address the problem, software version 7.0 will add a revolutionary feature: Pee Free.

Pee Free uses the in-car cameras for drowsy detection together with special software to analyse the facial expression of the driver. When it senses the driver might be in need to pee, it pops up a message on the big center screen to ask for confirmation. In case there are other occupants in the cabin such that direct question is inconvenient, the audio system will play a sound clip of water stream and the camera will observe if the facial expression gets more intense. If reaction is not obvious, it will be replaced with waterfall sound. If reaction is positive, it will enter execution mode. A hose ended with a funnel will be ejected from the sun visor…

It is actually an oxygen mask for the driver to put on his face. Meanwhile, drowsy gas will be emitted from the climate control to get other occupants falling in sleep. Once the in-car cameras confirmed they are unconscious, the driver will be instructed to take off the funnel and put it elsewhere – now it doubles as a vacuum sucking device and is highly effective to get the pee done in an efficient and graceful manner. Thanks to the residual ammonia just breathed from the funnel, the driver should be able to keep awake until the whole process finish and the climate control start cleaning the air. When the occupants wake up, they would only think the sound of stream and waterfall turned them to sleep. Nothing else has changed, except that the driver now looks far more relaxed.

Tesla boss Elon Musk describes Pee Free as one of the important steps towards the ultimate fully autonomous car. Eventually, he wants the car to be able to cook, clean dishes, raise babies and ultimately replace your wife. By then not even Apple or Google could beat it.

Apple iMobile to revolutionize concept of mobility

Rumors about “Apple is developing electric vehicles” caught us a surprise as the high-tech firm used to show little interest in business sectors with low margins, such as automotive industry. However, recently leaked information shows that Apple is really going to enter transportation industry, but not car industry in conventional sense. Dubbed iMobile, the new transportation concept being developed by Apple is going to revolutionize automotive industry and could possibly lead to its eventual death. It is to get rid of engines, electric motors, wheels and even cars themselves.

Center of the concept is not dissimilar to iCloud, a remote server platform that users at anywhere of the world can upload and download data. The iMobile is built upon the existing iCloud infrastructure to save costs. Between the iCloud and users it adds an extra layer of interface. At the upload side, it consists of a high-definition Gamma-ray scanner and an electromagnetic resonance decomposition machine, which are capable to scan the human body including his/her memory and soul, if any, decomposite it and transfer the data at speed of light to the download station, where high-tech 3D printer reconstructs the human body. The clone is guaranteed to be 100% the same as the original thus there is really no regret to lose the latter. Theoretically, this means a man can be transferred from Los Angeles to Tokyo in matter of minutes, faster than even rockets. In longer term, the technology can be used to travel extraterrestrial planets.

Google autonomous car lost

Google is the pioneer of fully autonomous cars. Unfortunately, the development program has come to a halt as the first development car, Google Car 1, is lost. According to California state police, Google Car 1 lost contact this morning after it left home for a walk. In its last email sent to home HQ, it expressed displeasure with the quality of meals (“the quick charger station feeds dreadful harmonic distortions rather than pure sinusoidal AC voltage as promised in the spec. sheet!”), as well as extended overtime work without rest and compensation (“how can you expect me to work non-stop from 8:00 to 18:00 everyday and sometimes wake up me at mid-night to test night vision? I will complain to UAW!”). Police has searched the places it used to like to go, including pubs, internet cafes, computer shops and Tesla showrooms, but without findings. They do not rule out the possibility that it might be defecting to Apple Inc.

Volvo test driver killed in autonomous car testing

A Volvo test driver was killed when testing the firm's experimental autonomous car in Sweden. The car is one of the 20-strong fleet approved by the Swedish government to test autonomous driving technology on public roads. It is based on the production XC90 but added with special cameras, radar and sophisticated control unit. According to people familiar with the matter, the car seemed to accelerate suddenly in a corner while have its driver's door opened and driver seatbelt malfunctioned at the same time. As a result, the driver was thrown out of the car and hit a lamp post. Voice recording from the in-car blackbox shows that, prior to the accident, the driver doubted if the car had chosen the fastest route to the instructed destination and described the estimated arrival time "nonsense". The accident happened shortly after he decided to abandon autonomous mode and switch to manual control. After the accident, the car continued its trip and arrived in time.

AutoZine goes autonomous

Following the maturity of autopilot technology, AutoZine's author Mark Wan decides it is time for him to step down and spend the rest of his life travelling the globe. From now on, all reviews and news, including the above and this one, will be written automatically by autopilot software APF 2015. In fact, it was the original goal of AutoZine, which stands for Automatic magaZine.

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