2004

Bugatti Veyron ready to launch

An exclusive source to AutoZine reveals that Bugatti Veyron is about to launch shortly. After almost 2 years of delay, Bugatti has finally solved the technical difficulties regarding engine cooling and high speed stability. Now the first customer car is already under assembly at the Molsheim factory. It will be delivered to Dr. Ferdinand Piech in the next April Fool, if no more delay is experienced.

In a recent interview by our secret source in a bar while he was drunk, Volkswagen boss Bernd Pischetsrieder said, "I am so glad that this crap is finally finished ! especially at a time our Golf sells so poorly. Hopefully it will lift the image of our Volkswagen-brand products. Our customers should be taught that cars are not necessarily as cheap and trouble-free as our Golf. Just look at this crap and you will understand ! it gave me so much headache !"

Pischetsrieder's headache is not without reasons. The Bugatti Veyron project was running over-budgeted and seriously delayed due to a series of technical and quality issues. 4 years ago, Bugatti claimed a world-beating top speed of 252mph and 0-60mph acceleration in only 3.0 seconds. Its quad-turbo W16 engine was said to pump out a record-breaking 1001 horsepower. However, when Bugatti put all components together, they found the engine overheated and the car would airborne at that speed.

"We really thought of a variety of solutions", said the drunk Pischetsrieder, "one of which was to add a decimal point to the horsepower figure, reducing it to 100.1hp. Unfortunately, we found the guys at marketing department had already printed the brochures, so we turned down the idea after calculating the cost involved."

"Another solution was to add air conditioning to the engine compartment. We built a prototype with a super-strong air conditioning and a 4-zone automatic climate control (i.e., to cool the 4 banks of cylinders). We even developed an i-Drive-style control unit for the cooling system just because it sounds cool. Unfortunately, we found the air conditioning unit itself consumed 400 horsepower, and then it needed another air conditioning to cool it down, so forth… it's too complicated, so we turned down the idea."

"In the end, we found an ingenious solution - we detuned the engine to 500hp and stick with a voluntarily limited top speed of 155mph. When the customers need to access 1001hp and 252mph, they can drive their Veyron back to us, and then our experts will release its potential by plugging in a notebook computer, downloading the latest Sony GT4 software to the in-car management system. At the same time, our technicians will help our customers to put on a VR (editor note: Virtual Reality) video mask. Once you press the start button, you can enjoy beating McLaren F1, Ferrari Enzo or whatever ! all these can be done without risking your life ! ingenious !

2003

China Brilliance partner with BMW

News from Beijin / Munich: Today Chinese car maker China Brilliance has signed an agreement with BMW to produce various BMW vehicles in China from early 2004. The first product to roll off the production line in Shanghai will be 3-series, followed by the new generation 5-series (see above News) in the fall. It is expected the production volume will reach 150,000 units in the first year. Most will be sold in the fast-growing Chinese market, but as production rise in the following years, the Chinese-built BMW will replace South African BMW as the source for the whole Pan-Pacific area, including Japan, Australia and the USA. From year 2006, China Brilliance-BMW expect to produce up to 1.5 million vehicles a year, actually eclipsing BMW's own production capacity.

Construction of a new, state of the art manufacturing plant in Shanghai has been started. The plant will have its own engine plant, assembly plant, paint shop, trimming shop and all the local supply chains providing Chinese-grade components, including fake ones. Beside the factory is an advanced R&D center, which has a 300mm/h wind tunnel and a hide-speed test track. The R&D center will employ a lot of local missile experts to ensure their products hit the targets.

The production plant itself consists of 3 parts. The biggest one will assemble 3, 5 and later 1 series. The second one is a lower volume plant to produce 7 series and Z4. The latter is now enjoying huge success thanks to the strange styling by Chris Bangle that strangely attracted a lot of strange customers in a strange world like this. That means, the sole production plant in Spartanburg, USA is now considered insufficient thus the Chinese plant will help fulfilling the strange demand.

The third plant will be a human-intensive workshop mirroring the M-division in Munich. BMW said the next generation 500-hp V10-powered M5 will be produced exclusively in Shanghai, leaving Munich concentrating on producing M-spec bumpers, spoilers and other trivial parts to feed German workers who choose not to rely on social welfare. Low Chinese labor cost means the E60 M5 will cost less than a Chevrolet Cavalier, a good news to car enthusiasts, or a bad news to GM. To further enhance efficiency, the plant will also produce the next generation M3 using the same V10 engine, then a V10-powered M2 (based on the 1-series). The Mini will also receive the V10, but it will be mounted transversely at the nose and drive only the steering wheel. BMW hopes it will fulfil the Italian job again. However, the most promising product could be a special edition C1 motorbike, again, using the 500 horsepower V10. Expect the Chinese-built M-Power C1 will be cheaper than an entry-level Vespa scooter. BMW executives want to see whether its superior value for money could save the unsuccessful C1 from dying.

C1 to be upgraded with V10 power

Most interesting is that the human-intensive workshop will also produce Rolls-Royce Phantom, mainly supplying Chinese government officials. Of course, to suit Chinese taste, the "Red Flag Royce-Royce" will be substantially localized. For example, leather chairs will be replaced by bamboo ones, lacquered wood will be replaced by Chinese furniture wood, door panels will be clad with silk instead of leather, cup-holders will be replaced by cuspidor-holders, and there are 10 of them in the cabin to fulfill the needs of government officials. The interior trim will have unlimited choices of colors as long as it is "red" or "simply red". Externally, little will be changed, except that the flying lady will be replaced with flying dragon. "Flying Mao" will be optional, depending on the customer's political positioning. An exclusive source to AutoZine also reveals that People Liberation Army is considering buying the Red Flag Rolls-Royce to serve as tanks. They believe the 2.5-ton Rolls-Royce will be as bullet-proof as its bulky look suggest and as reliable as US Army's CH-47 helicopter. The assessors in PLA said the car's styling is already enough to classify it into "tank", according to English-Chinese dictionary.

"Red Flag Rolls-Royce" - set to serve Chinese army

2002

April Fool's joke: Lotus sold to Tata !

It is believed the sale was due to heavy loss of the British company, amount to some £42.6 million last year and an expected loss as well this year. Proton was also disappointed that Lotus was not helpful enough in improving the sales performance of its own cars - the Lotus-developed Proton Impian was selling badly in Europe. As Malaysia is to join WTO, Proton needs cash to improve its own production facilities and sales networks to compete with foreign car makers.

It is known that the sudden departure of Lotus CEO Terry Playle last month was due to his objection to the proposal. Playle’s position will be substituted by ex-Formula 1 champion and team owner Jackie Stewart, who is appointed by Tata. It is known that Stewart was chosen because he is a highly-respected figure in Britain and was proved to be a successful leader in the highly-competitive F1 business, this should help Lotus overcoming its big difficulties currently facing.

Stewart was first linked to Tata a year ago when he started advising the development and tuning of a secret Tata roadster, after his contract with Ford expired in late 2000. The 1.6-litre roadster will be fully built in India and hit UK as well as Europe in 18 month’s time at an estimated price of just £9,500. It is believed that the purchase of Lotus will let Tata using the resources of Lotus Engineering to fine tune the roadster and sort out its handling problems. In before, parent company Proton used to reject any works for its potential rivals.

Employing Stewart also led to the speculation that Lotus - if not Tata - may be back to Formula One racing. Stewart clearly ruled out this possibility. However, spy photographers recently caught him testing an open-wheeled prototype in Brands Hatch, confirming that both Lotus and the 3-time world champion may once again compete in Formula One. Stewart is 64 this year.

While keeping tight-lip about Formula One, he did admit that Lotus will transfer its technology know-how to Tata, such as the hydrogen-powered hybrid engine (a 1.1-litre turbo 3-cylinder good for 750hp) under development. In the long-term future, a nuclear-powered Tata 3-wheeler truck is also possible, said the ex-Formula One champion.

"I remind you, everything is possible on the 1st of April, especially in AutoZine !" he said.